Power in the Plan, part 2

Other factoids: Based on the tumor's size, Dr. Badie estimates that it has been growing for five to ten years. Because of the relatively smooth margins, he too believes the tumor is benign. He said that he has seen meningiomas that he previously thought were benign turn out to be malignant upon pathology, about 5% of the time. He does not think that will be the case for me. The hospital at City of Hope is only five months old. Dr. Badie told us that the technology available to him for my surgery is the best there is. This is important because the more precisely he can locate the tumor, the smaller all of my incisions will have to be. He thinks that the tumor is located a little more forward on the brain than we originally thought. This matters for two reasons: one, if it grows much larger, it will encroach on my motor cortex, which he said will result first in facial drooping that may not correct itself. Second, when he operates, he will have to incise through the chewing muscle on the right side of my face. This will increase the pain and discomfort I experience postoperatively and might require me to do some exercises to retrain the muscle. The pain is an important factor because how well my pain is being managed will determine when I can leave the hospital.

Another benefit of choosing City of Hope is that each hospital room is private. If you have been reading this blog, you know that my experience with a roommate during my hospitalization last month was very upsetting to me. I don't generally act like a brat, but there's nothing like a little privacy, and this might be a time when I need it the most. I cannot express how much we liked this doctor--at least as much as Dr. Anker. That he is a Blue Cross preferred provider is a huge selling point, but we would never have chosen a hospital or a surgeon because of monetary considerations alone. It's funny, but one of the things he said that we liked the most was that he thought my surgery would be "fun." Can you believe it? He certainly didn't mean fun for me, but he has great confidence that he can perform this operation without too much concern for its difficulty or my postoperative health. His confidence increases ours.

On a lighter note, I asked Dr. Badie what my tumor looks like (greyish-pink) and if I could see it afterwards. He said no, that it would be on its way to pathology by the time I came out of anesthesia, but then he said, "I can take a picture of it for you." I love this guy! I appreciate so much that he knows how important it is to me that I have a certain level of understanding about the details of what is going on inside of me. (See previous entry for my comments on being a "watcher.") Then he said, "I can even videotape it for you if you want me to!" I told my mom this, and she said, "and you said no thank you, of course!" No, mom! I said, "oooh, yes please!" It might take me five years to be ready to watch it (probably not), but I know at some point I will want to know exactly what happened on that day. Steve thinks he will watch it that night!

Speaking of Steve, he is the single best person to have at these kinds of appointments. No one asks better questions. Every doctor we've seen has said to him, "that's a really good question." How lucky I am to have such a wise and insightful partner on this journey. His feeling about the videotaping was this: only a doctor supremely confident in his ability to be successful would videotape his work AND offer it to the patient. I think he's right. He asked Dr. Badie about his experience with this kind of tumor, and after much explanation about his career path, his short answer was, "I've dedicated my entire career to this kind of work." Good answer!

Our preliminary decision, then, is to have Dr. Badie perform this surgery at City of Hope, and as his surgery days are Tuesdays, we (Dr. Badie, Steve and I) have targeted June 13 as the most logical date, for a host of reasons. After a few sick weeks, and a few more restless, anxious ones, I am glad, once again, to have a plan. It's amazing how much comfort and reassurance there is in the ability to think about the steps, the process of a scary experience. And then to know that not only we have a plan, but that this plan is just part of the greater one that God has in mind for me is heartening indeed. I can do this--he has promised!

So although I suppose this date could change, please mark your calendars, at least for now. Your prayers have been so meaningful to us, and we know that we will need them more than ever as the date approaches. Although we feel supremely confident in this doctor and his abilities, and we know that the God of the universe is in control of all circumstances, I do believe I will have periods of fear and doubt as the day draws near, so please keep praying!