Bad Things

Surgery is tomorrow. Steve and I will leave the house at 5 a.m. to be at the hospital at 6:00 for a 7:45 appointment with the surgeon. As the nurse told us last week, 7:45 is incision time. Don't remind me! Steve and other family members will do their best to communicate with you throughout the day, and I'm hoping Steve will make a guest appearance right here tomorrow night to write a thorough update. I probably won't be back until the weekend.

I'm actually feeling quite calm. Yesterday I had some butterflies but I'm mostly okay. I have lots to do today to keep me busy, and fortunately the Yankees don't play today. They've dropped four in a row (ugh!), and I don't think I could stand to witness another loss right now! If they get spanked by Cleveland later this week, don't tell me! I don't want to know! There are definitely some instances where ignorance really is bliss!

A former student dropped by school on Friday. Steve and I both love Jordanne and were very glad to see her, but she seemed sad. With regard to my tumor, she said, "Life is so hard. I don't understand why good things happen to bad people." I wanted to share with you what I told her.

First of all, I believe that we live in (to quote Pastor Dave) a bruised and broken world. God created us to live in perfect enjoyment of him and each other. Illness, crime, violence, injury, death: these were never his plan. Whenever I hear about another husband who has beaten or killed his wife, I think about this. God designed marriage as the ultimate relationship, which he modeled for us through the example of Christ and his bride, the church. Our world is truly hurting when even the most sacred relationship, that of man and wife, is marred by violence. But man does this--not God.

I don't even believe that God allows these things with an "oh well" attitude. I believe he grieves for us. He feels every heartache, every hurt. And I certainly don't believe that God is punishing me or you or anyone else who suffers. He only wants good for us, his creation. But we continue to be hurt and to hurt each other because we choose to. You see, this is the double-edge of free will. God enabled us to choose freely, knowing that if and when we chose him, it would be real choice, our own decision, and would consequently have great power. Forced choice is no choice at all.

Unfortunately, being given the gift of free will often means that we will choose badly. And going all the way back to Adam and Eve, over and over again, man has chosen badly. And so bad things happen. People get hurt. People get sick. People die. Our world is broken. Paying attention to the world around me only increases my hope of Heaven. What a joy it will be to see perfect peace, perfect submission to God's will, perfect results of this submission.

But we live on this earth, at least for the time being, and so we must deal with the consequences of thousands of years of sinful choice and disobedience to God's will. Just a quick word on God's will--it never occurred to me to consider God a joy-kill. Every time we disobey, we suffer. Every time we obey, we are rewarded. This is not a guarantee that we won't suffer, however. Suffering is a product of our imperfect world. But even in suffering we can choose God's path.

And so, as I told Jordanne, most people I know who encounter suffering are able, after the fact, to look at their journey objectively and see where the bad manifested itself, over time, in good. For it is only in the dark times, through the bad and scary and wrong, that we grow and develop and become. Good and easy requires nothing of us. Bad and scary requires everything we have.

And fortunately, even though I'm hardly on the other side of this current obstacle, I can already see good. Here's how:

My relationship with God is more real than it has ever been. The restlessness that used to plague me has been replaced by a peaceful assurance that I am right where I need to be, being used by God to continue his purpose for me. Even if I can't see clearly what that purpose is, I can trust that he is using me. In Psalm 138, David writes of God's promise,

"Though I walk in the midst of trouble,
you preserve my life;
you stretch out your hand against the anger of my foes,
with your right hand you save me.

The LORD will fulfill his purpose for me;
your love, O LORD, endures forever—
do not abandon the works of your hands."

Another good thing: I have been given an amazing perspective about what matters most. These days, I seldom let myself get hung up on the little stuff. This, too, used to be a plague. I let the most ridiculously insignificant issues bring division to my relationships with the people I love. Now I can see what a waste of time and energy it is to judge others, to fight, or be angry, or hold grudges. Suffering is what unites us: we all suffer. And we all need the compassion of others during such a time. Likewise, we too must be compassionate. This life is hard, as Jordanne said. Just another reason to take care of each other. As Paul wrote to the Galatians,

"It is absolutely clear that God has called you to a free life. Just make sure that you don't use this freedom as an excuse to do whatever you want to do and destroy your freedom. Rather, use your freedom to serve one another in love; that's how freedom grows. For everything we know about God's Word is summed up in a single sentence: Love others as you love yourself. That's an act of true freedom" (Galatians 5:13).

Finally, I have rediscovered my love of writing. Since I was a little girl, I have loved to write and have known it was an act that brought me great joy. Somewhere over the course of my life, however, I had forgotten. Somewhere between a college paper on The Scarlet Letter and a graduate level summary of a book about the history of the footnote (true story!), I forgot. But now I remember. I love to write--it brings me peace and contentment to explore my feelings in writing. Better, I have been told that my writing is bringing peace and understanding to others. Praise God! Perhaps this is one of his purposes: one of the ways he will bring good from bad. For Paul writes of God's promise,

"God can pour on the blessings in astonishing ways so that you're ready for anything and everything, more than just ready to do what needs to be done. As one psalmist puts it,

He throws caution to the winds,
giving to the needy in reckless abandon.
His right-living, right-giving ways
never run out, never wear out.

This most generous God who gives seed to the farmer that becomes bread for your meals is more than extravagant with you. He gives you something you can then give away, which grows into full-formed lives, robust in God, wealthy in every way, so that you can be generous in every way, producing with us great praise to God" (2 Corinthians 9:8-11).

This is good.

Tumor bad. Brain surgery scary. Recovery unknown. But God is good. And he will bring good to me and to all of us, as we choose to take him with us on our journeys. I wish for you the fullness of God's blessings, just as they have been so graciously given to me.